Divorce Finalized

Gerry and I finalized the divorce today. 
Things went a bit nice than expected. After months of fighting and ugly arguments that ruined our relationship, we were able to be civil enough to sign the papers and have our marriage officially  finalized.

It is over.
Our marriage, our arrangement, over.

I am glad it is finally done. I feel a huge weight lifted off of my back.
I am cried enough. I have been angry long enough. I have mourned enough. 
It still stings to think of our marriage and how the friendship we once had, just disintegrated completely.

But it is done. And I have been more than ready to move on.

Till next time.

D.

Separation. It begins.

This is probably the hardest post to write. The hardest reality to face.
Today, I kicked Gerard out. I kicked out my husband.
Today we decided it was over.
For many people, it isn’t a surprise. For many friends, it is something that was doomed from the beginning.
But for us, we wanted it to work. At least I naively wanted it to work.
I can forgive many things from him, but I can not forgive a lie.
 I can not forgive the fact that he lied to me about our finances and used it all up.
I can not forgive that fact that he secretly chose another person to love.
I can not forgive that he sold our house to that person, to get out of debt and now he will live here with them after I leave.
For now, for the next weeks this house is still mine. I will take everything that is mine and I will leave.

I am numb. I am hurt. I am heartbroken.
But if he thinks I will leave without a fight, he better be prepared.
I will fight, even if I loose. I will fight so I am not left without anything.
The next couple of weeks will be crazy and hard and challenging.

Engagements, Weddings and Babies, Oh My!

 

Dear Blog,

How is it possible that even though I am happily married and have a successful job I still feel incomplete?

I feel like suddenly there has been a huge boom of mutual friends who are getting engaged, married or having babies! What is going on? I am happy for them, “we” are happy for them, but recently I’ve felt depressed with all this happy news. My marriage is doing great so far. No complaints, but I think I know why Im upset.

 

I want a baby. I want to start a family.

Gerry is unsure. Some days he wants a baby and other days he complains about the expense of having a kid.  I know he wants a child, I’m just not sure he wants it as much as I do. We have discussed how we would go about having a child, the only option that we won’t do is have a baby the “traditional way”. Sleeping together is not an option at all. Which prolongs the process, or at least, the manner in which we will become parents. It makes things a bit more complicated then I would like. But I understand his reason, I understand the reason behind this decision we both took.

A physical relationship would complicate things with us. But this doesn’t mean we would have a baby by surrogate or adopt. (adoption is the last option.)  He will donate his sperm and then I’ll go with my GYN and she’’'ll help us with the rest of the process. We have discussed it with her. We have had meetings, we’ve looked at the calendar, we have pretty much everything mapped out, but the timing never seems right. Gerry does not seem to want to be in the mood for it. He doesn’t seem to have the time for it. He does not seem to be interested in it right now.

I don’t understand how a couple months ago he could have been excited about the possibility of having a child, I mean, we were seriously discussing baby names and now he won’t even talk about it.  I have tried asking him about it, hinting at what may have changed, but he simply says that he is too focused on work. He just tells me that he can’t considering having a child yet because work has him swamped. He has a lot of new projects coming up and he doesn’t have time to think about it. I have told him that there will always been work, there will always be projects to be done, but that a baby also takes time. There is no guarantee that we will get pregnant on the first try. We may have to try several times, we may have to consider other options. But time is going by, time is flying.

I understand that there is never a “perfect time” to have a child, I understand that we may never be  100% financially prepared for a child, but I like to think that right now we have enough savings to start trying.

What could possibly make him start doubting?  I want to ask him if there is someone else, if there is someone he has fallen in love with, but at the same time I am terrified of the answer. There is always a possibility of him falling in love, starting a relationship, while I am pregnant. I know that, I know I may freak out every once in a while, but in the end, I believe he will love this child. I believe he will chose to love the child, regardless if we are still together.

A baby. A little baby girl or boy. Our own baby…

 

Perhaps tonight I’ll try talking to him again.

 

Till next time.

D

Almost Four Years…some updates

 

Dear Blog,

How time flies! I can hardly believe that in two months we will have been married 4 years. So much has happened in four years. We have had endless arguments and stuck through them.  We have also had endless wonderful memories together.

I know I have neglected this blog a bit. (A LOT!) Things got hectic at work and at home. I won’t go into detail. I believe most of the excuses you’ve heard before or at least you could imagine it. “Argument with the husband”, “separation in the family”, “trust issues”, “busy at work”, etc.

A Gerry is happy in his job at the magazine. He has a flare for fashion and he is a talented writing. I was never good at writing articles o critical reviews of a product. I guess that is why I admire Gerry so much for being able to do that. He is great help when I need to write an article for my job. I am very grateful that his job had him transferred back here. I thankful that we don’t have to move. It was hard living apart for so many months and I know it was a challenging for Gerry too. I am glad we weren’t given a “choice” to move or stay. He was very happy working abroad and I know he loved his loft, but I don’t think I would have been happy in an apartment. I don’t think it would have been an upgrade in anyway; owning our own house to paying monthly rent on a loft.

I continue to teach at a private school, elementary literature. I love being a literature teacher. Nothing can describe the feeling of watching a student that didn’t love to read, suddenly pick up books and devour them. Their hunger for knowledge motivates me to want to be better.  I also continue to tutoring in the afternoon. I used to offer tutoring classes at the house, but when we started painting the kitchen I decided it would be easier for me to go to the student’s house. I get off work after 3:00, I have lunch at school and then I drive to my students home. I usually end up arriving home after 7 or 8. I take advantage of the weekends to cook different meals and then freeze them. That way if Gerard gets home before me, he can just stick a plate in the microwave or oven and dinner would be ready! 

Some days I missed the taste of a fresh cooked meal, so I’ll eat at work or go out to eat. Unfortunately I did that last month for a two weeks and gained weight.  I feel like my past 4-5 months of intensive dieting went down the tubes. I gained back what took me months to lose!!! My nutritionist is a bit expensive so I try to stick with the diet she gives me and not visit her so often. I know that’s a terrible way to approach a diet, but its what I can do for now.

Thank goodness Gerry has been sweet about the subject and won’t criticize me or make sly remarks about my weight. He has learned how sensitive I am about it. I may have developed thicker skin for his other remarks, but when it comes to my weight I will either verbally slaughter him or I will cry for days. Neither outcome has is nice for him to come home too.

For the moment, I am avoiding the long mirror behind the closet door until I feel like I’ve lost a couple pounds. Otherwise I know I will go into starvation mode and really screw myself up.

I feel like this might have taken a depressing turn. Uuppss…

Well this are some updates. I hope I am able to  catch up with the missing entries in this blog. I am going to try and update at least once a day. I won’t promise that it will be a long entry, but it will be worth reading.

Till next time! Thanks for stick with us so far!

 

xoxo

D.

The Text Message

 

Dear Blog,

 

I know that many people thought that what my dad did was correct, that perhaps his answer to my text had a purpose. I know people think that he answered it that way, knowing I would have to text my husband and therefore resume communication with him. It would seem that it was some kind of “tough love”. But in reality it wasn’t. His answer was simply his honest answer, “No. I will not talk to her.”

I hope that he rethought it through. I hope he realized that he wasn’t nice of him not wanting to help me. But I’d rather not dwell on it or think about it longer than needed to. I found another solution, luckily Gerry was there for me.

I guess it was to be expected. He is my husband after all, but it’s nice to know that beyond being my husband he is my friend as well. I don’t think I will be writing during the next couple of days, at least not while I am on vacations. I need some time off, I need to clear my mind. Most of all, I need to spend time with the family and spend time with my mother. I haven’t seen her in a year, and while I am very grateful that technology allows us to stay in touch via Facetime or Skype, I still miss her. I miss her hugs, her comforting words and sometimes I miss our arguments.

So I will be taking a short break. At least for awhile. At least while I am visiting. Two weeks will go by very fast, although hopefully not too fast.

 

Till next time.

love

D.C.

Not giving up. I will fight for us.

I'm finally on the plane to my final destination. It's been a hectic ride. I missed my second flight because they gave me the wrong gate, however I was able to make I thanks to the fact that they had me on the Stand by list for the next flight. I was able to call my mother on a pay phone while I waited for my flight, but I wasn't sure if I'd be on the 1 o'clock or 4 o'clock flight. I told her that if I was on the earlier flight I wouldn't be able to call her.

Since I was lucky enough to get on the earlier flight I texted mt dad to ask him if he could call her and let her know. I'd been communicating with him since Gerry and I are still rocky after our huge fall out fight. I guess things are very "iffy" with us right now, I've been staying at my fathers house for the past two nights and he drove me to the airport. 

When I texted my dad asking him if he could call my mom, I got a message back saying "You really expect ME to call her?". My heart broke all over again. I can't believe that almost two years after their separation he still won't even consider speaking with her. He has completely written her out of his life. I didn't think twice and texted back saying "Nevermind. My husband will do it. I'll text you back when I land." 

Next thing I did was text Gerry. I told him I needed him to do me a favor, that my plane was delayed and I needed someone to let my mom know. I wasn't sure if he would answer or do it. But two minutes later I got a message from him that said. "Sure. I called her. She knows. Have a safe trip. Xoxo." 

I hugged the phone to my heart. As hurt as we may be and as angry as we are at each other I am grateful for the fact that in an "emergency" like this he will put feeling aside and help me out. I texted him back. "Thank you. Love you. I'll call you tonight. Xoxo." 

As I sit here looking out the plane window, deep in my heart I am trying to making a silent promise that we won't end up like my parents. "We are different" I chant to myself. "We are stronger. Our love for each other, as different as it may be, it is stronger than others. We will not fall. We will not break apart." 

I will see how I feel after these two week vacations, but I am considering the move. I am considering following my husband to another city for his job. I'm a teacher, I will find something else. 

I still don't know how I feel. But in know one thing is for sure. This is worth fighting for. MY marriage is worth fighting for. 

Till next time. 

Desirae Valdespino 

Don't Steal Our Phrase! lol

One of our friends got married this past weekend and a few days before the wedding the groom sent the bride flowers with a note that said "What are you doing this weekend?"
I just saw the picture she posted on Facebook.

It brought back memories of our wedding day, as I got into the limousine that Gerry hired, and inside on the seat was a single rose with a note that said "What are you doing later?"...
That was one of the many romantic things Gerry has done for me. As I type this, I have our wedding album next to me. I had the rose and note pressed onto the last page on our wedding album. I love looking through the pages and reliving a very happy day. A happy beginning to our future.

I am sure that that phrase has been used for years, but hearing someone else, something close to us use that phrase made me really appreciate my husband's thoughtfulness.

As I turn off the lamp on my nightstand tonight, I'll be sure to hug him a little tighter than before and I'll be sure to whisper into his ear a loving "I Love You."


Till next time.

Desirae Valdespino