Dear Blog,
How is it possible that even though I am happily married and have a successful job I still feel incomplete?
I feel like suddenly there has been a huge boom of mutual friends who are getting engaged, married or having babies! What is going on? I am happy for them, “we” are happy for them, but recently I’ve felt depressed with all this happy news. My marriage is doing great so far. No complaints, but I think I know why Im upset.
I want a baby. I want to start a family.
Gerry is unsure. Some days he wants a baby and other days he complains about the expense of having a kid. I know he wants a child, I’m just not sure he wants it as much as I do. We have discussed how we would go about having a child, the only option that we won’t do is have a baby the “traditional way”. Sleeping together is not an option at all. Which prolongs the process, or at least, the manner in which we will become parents. It makes things a bit more complicated then I would like. But I understand his reason, I understand the reason behind this decision we both took.
A physical relationship would complicate things with us. But this doesn’t mean we would have a baby by surrogate or adopt. (adoption is the last option.) He will donate his sperm and then I’ll go with my GYN and she’’'ll help us with the rest of the process. We have discussed it with her. We have had meetings, we’ve looked at the calendar, we have pretty much everything mapped out, but the timing never seems right. Gerry does not seem to want to be in the mood for it. He doesn’t seem to have the time for it. He does not seem to be interested in it right now.
I don’t understand how a couple months ago he could have been excited about the possibility of having a child, I mean, we were seriously discussing baby names and now he won’t even talk about it. I have tried asking him about it, hinting at what may have changed, but he simply says that he is too focused on work. He just tells me that he can’t considering having a child yet because work has him swamped. He has a lot of new projects coming up and he doesn’t have time to think about it. I have told him that there will always been work, there will always be projects to be done, but that a baby also takes time. There is no guarantee that we will get pregnant on the first try. We may have to try several times, we may have to consider other options. But time is going by, time is flying.
I understand that there is never a “perfect time” to have a child, I understand that we may never be 100% financially prepared for a child, but I like to think that right now we have enough savings to start trying.
What could possibly make him start doubting? I want to ask him if there is someone else, if there is someone he has fallen in love with, but at the same time I am terrified of the answer. There is always a possibility of him falling in love, starting a relationship, while I am pregnant. I know that, I know I may freak out every once in a while, but in the end, I believe he will love this child. I believe he will chose to love the child, regardless if we are still together.
A baby. A little baby girl or boy. Our own baby…
Perhaps tonight I’ll try talking to him again.
Till next time.
D
