[Imported from original blog. Now added here to personal Marriage Blog]
Dear blog
I haven’t written here for awhile now. I apologize for that. However, I will be writing a lot more now, because in 75 days I’m getting married.
I am positive that I have not written about my engagement before, so now, 75 days before I get married, I believe it is best to document how it all came to be. I guess I’m writing this down because, to a certain extent, maybe I’m still trying to find some sense to this insane decision that I’m making.
It all began last December 19th …two hundred and eighty six days ago…
I’m attaching the first entry to my diary of that day, because there really isn’t any other way to explain my feelings…Some parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in it’s original form.
DIARY ENTRY #1
[December 19,
Dear diary,
It’s almost midnight as I write this, but I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to write down the amazing day I just had. It started out as any normal Saturday; I got up around 9:30am and had breakfast with mom. I walked the dogs and then did my laundry for the week. Dad called around noon to say he would be home early to take a nap before he and mom went out to a party they had later that evening.
Mom and I went out for lunch and to finish our Christmas shopping. While we were out shopping my friend Gerard Valdespino called me to my cellular-phone to invite me for coffee and exchange “early” Christmas gifts. I agreed to meet him at 6:00pm at the coffee shop near my house. I can’t tell you how excited I was to see him. I hadn’t seen him since school let out two weeks ago for winter vacations. It was such a difference of not seeing him every day, I really missed him. I can’t believe we just finished our fifth semester of college. I can now say we’ve known each other two years exactly. (it probably would have been two years and a half if I hadn’t been so shy in first semester when we first met. But who wouldn’t have been? He is not only very handsome but a year older than me. It was intimidating.)
The evening couldn’t come soon enough. When the time finally came around I borrowed the car and drove to the coffee shop. As usual he was there early. I admit I was excited when I saw him holding a small Christmas bag. Out of most of my college friends, he is the only one that ever is reciprocating with the gifts. After a long hug at the entrance we ordered our coffee’s and sat down at the nearest table. I had him open his gift first; it was a little pocketknife with his name engraved. He seemed excited about it and thanked me over and over for the thoughtful detail. Then he handed me the gift he got me, it was nicely wrapped in Christmas paper. I was so touched by the thought that I could have cared less what he got me. He gave me a black leather blank notebook. It is beautiful; perfect for an aspiring writer like me. We talked awhile about what we had been doing since school let out and what our plans were for Christmas and New Year. Almost every year since I met him, he travels during winter vacation and does not come back until after New Year. However this year he told me he was going to stay in town. I suggested we have a Christmas party with our group of friends. He reminded me that our small group of friends had plans and that no one would be in town in the next days. I smiled and suggested then that next year we should plan with time our parties.
“Actually” he said. “I have the business party in two days and I need a date.”
I took a drink from my coffee while I thought of who could go with him. “How about you invite your doctor friend? She is still in town, isn’t she?”
“Elsa? Yes, but she leaves tomorrow. Besides, I don’t want to take her, her boyfriend hates me as it is.”
“Does it have to be a female date? Why not just invite your boyfriend Bryce? Go as pals.”
“No! Desiree!” he laughed. “This is the newspaper’s annual Christmas party, they always take pictures. I need to take a girl that is not in a relationship…I was kind of hoping you would come with me.”
“Me? Really?” I was shocked, he always took his “model” beautiful friends to events like that. I was just the friend and coffee-buddy. Thinking of it, I am probably his only single female friend.
“Are you free the 22nd at 8:30pm?” he asked.
“Yes.” I smiled. This was exciting! He never asked me to go with him to events like his “date” before. “Is it very elegant?”
“No it is not very elegant, just formal. You could wear that silver dress you wore to Alexander’s wedding last year.”
I laughed. I can’t believe he remembered that dress after only seeing it in a picture.
“Ok. I think I can do that. I guess I need to look very nice since you’re going to get that promotion to be the Editor Supervisor.”
I saw his eyes drop, like he was disappointed. I wondered if I’d said the wrong thing until he turned to me and said that it didn’t seem like he would get the promotion because his boss thought he was too young. I argued that aged didn’t seem to be problem. He’d been working with them for over a year and had proven to be capable to handle the job, more so than any of the other workers. He smiled and thanked me for my positive thinking. He added that he had overheard this boss telling another worker that he was hesitant to give him the job because he was afraid that he could pick up and leave anytime.
“What is that suppose to mean?” I asked.
“Most of the workers are married or have a debt to the company.” He said. “They won’t leave because there is something keeping them here. I on the contrary don’t really have anything keeping me here.”
“That makes sense I guess. They don’t want to give you a high position in the company with a big pay that proves you are qualified to have a bigger-better job elsewhere.”
“You’re lucky your job is not as tricky as mine.”
“I’m just an English teacher and tutor. It’s very simple. My job doesn’t even hold Christmas parties for their employees.” I said.
I noticed him staring at me oddly and I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I asked him if anything was wrong but he shrugged off the question by just smiling and changing the subject.
“How is your novel coming along?” he asked.
I told him that nothing exciting had happened yet, I was still on the search for a literary agent. Unfortunately I hadn’t heard anything from the agencies I had applied to. I stopped talking when I noticed his eyes staring into space. Something was bugging him, and I hoped it wasn’t me with my boring stories.
“I’m sorry. Am I boring you?...”
“Do you still love me?” he asked suddenly.
“That’s an odd question.” I replied. “I’m not in love with you if that’s what you mean.”
“No. I mean…Do you care enough for me that you would do anything for me? Like a favor?”
“Perhaps, I mean, it would depend on the favor.” I answered half-honestly. Even though I knew the correct answer would have been ‘yes, I would do anything for you.’
Gerard leaned towards me and held my hand. “Would you marry me?”
As a reflex or surprised reaction I pulled my hand away. “Pardon me?”
“Would you marry me Desiree?” he looked me straight in the eye. I wonder if he knows his stare is my weakness. But I couldn’t let feelings clog my senses or sanity.
“Marry you? Why would I…? Why would you…? Are you asking this because of your job? Gerry, I’m sure you can find another solution.”
“Yes, I am to a certain extent asking because of the job. I really want this Raee.”
“But why marriage? We are still in college. Why don’t you wait?”
“I am graduating in a year. I won’t have the opportunity to try and get this promotion then. Don’t you want to marry me? Don’t you care that much for me?”
(Great! He was playing the sympathy card!)
“Listen to me. I do care. I care a lot. I would marry you in a heartbeat, but I’m still in college and I think perhaps you are being foolish. Why do you want me? Why not your older friends?”
“I want you because I trust you and because only you know about the ‘real situation’. Only you know about the job, Bryce and you are ok with it. Look…” he took my hand in his again and this time I let him hold it longer. “Maybe not marriage, but be my fiancée. Just pretend until I graduate and I have the promotion assured. I need this job to support my family. We can just be engaged. We don’t have to get married immediately of course.”
I stared at him in awe. It seemed all too unreal. For the first year of college I was very much in love with him. Now here he was offering me the opportunity to be closer to him than ever. A little voice in my head was telling me I was going to get hurt in the long run, that by the time this “pretend” was over I would be into it so deep I could believe it was real. Yet, looking into his eyes and seeing his dark brown eyes stare at me; I knew I had already jumped into it.
“What does the ring look like?” I asked jokingly.
He looked surprised at first but then hugged me and thanked me over and over again. We spoke about the details; I was surprised how well he seemed to have it planned out. He had already spoken to Bryce to let him know of the possible arraignment. I thought it was sweet of Bryce to be so relaxed about the situation, but then again, ever since I met him in high school he’s been like that. Gerard told me he would propose at the Christmas party. I wasn’t too crazy about the idea of a “public proposal” but he was too stubborn to listen to any suggestions. He didn’t tell me exactly how he would do it, so I’m a little excited of how things might turn out. We both agreed that after the party he would come over to my house and we would “announce” the engagement to my parents and the following evening to his mother. I thought that we were going to keep this engagement as a secret, but he insisted that for it to seem real, everyone had to believe it.
I am a bit nervous of how the family will take it. I am praying things go well.
The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur, we spoke about a lot of things. Even though this is an arraigned marriage, or a convenient marriage, I am excited about what this next year will be like. I am honored that he chose me. From today on, I know things will never be the same. I know I’m going to be facing new challenges. I hope understand exactly what I’ve gotten myself into. I’m marring my best gay friend.
I’ll write more tomorrow. It is late and even though today was an amazing day it has come to an end. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning…which reminds me, I have to get that silver dressed cleaned for the party! ] END OF DIARY ENTRY
I cannot believe that it happened so suddenly. I still remember the initial excitement of looking in his eyes and having him ask me to be his fiancée. We have been through a lot this past year. Now we are down to the final months… How come it seems all so much more complicated?
I’ll write more tomorrow!
love
Desirae
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