Communication. Making your choice….

 

WARNING! This entry contains ‘stronger language’ than usual and some sexual references. You must be over 18 to proceed. Caution is advised.

 

Dear Blog,

There are small things about Gerry for which I am grateful for. I don’t mean that he only has minor things which make him a great person, I mean that there are things he does, aspects of his personality, that remind me why I love him.

One thing I am very grateful for is the fact that he won’t run out on our arguments. He will not walk out of the room when we are arguing. He sticks by me, he takes the time to work it out with me and he takes the time to communicate with me.

The other night was no expectation. As much as I am still hurt by what he did, what he said, I am grateful that he stayed in the house with me.

After walking out of the room and shutting myself in the “guest” bedroom, Gerry came knocking on the door. I didn’t want to let him in. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I wanted to erase what I had seen. I guess he knew I would not him in, so he just knocked and said he would be down in the kitchen with a fresh pot of coffee. He said he would wait in the kitchen to talk with me.

There was something in his voice that calmed my nerves a little. I can’t describe what it was in his voice that made me Want to walk downstairs and talk with him. I could feel anger boiling up inside me. I felt like just hearing the sound of his voice would make me sick and I would start screaming at him again.

I walked into the kitchen to find him sitting at the table drinking coffee. He had placed a cup of hot cocoa on my placemat. He motioned for me to sit down in front of me across the table. I sat down without touching my drink. I was about to say something when he raised his hand, stopping me from talking.

“I am still drunk Rae, so please don’t start screaming at me. I know you are angry, I know you are on the verge of slicing me into pieces, but for the sake of helping prevent an even bigger headache, don’t scream.”

“I will do my best…”

He took a big breath before looked me in the eye, fiddling with the napkin in front of him. “We…our marriage…when we entered this partnership we knew it would be challenging. I knew that if there was anyone that could make this work it would be you, but at the same time I also thought that I would have a life partner with me. I thought Bryce and I were going to last forever. I have never felt more alone than when he moved out…and then moved on…”

I leaned forward, put my hand on his hand. “I know you were hurt and I am here for you…”

“I know you are here for me, and geez, your love and support helps me a lot. Your love is a big part of my life, but there are some areas where your love is not enough. It does not mean I don’t love you, you know I do. But you have to understand, fully comprehend, that there are things I need that you can’t give me. There are sentimental and physical aspects that only another man can give me.”

“If you asked me to, I would do it…”

“No.” he stood up and pulled the chair closer to me. “Desirae, I could not ask that of you. You cannot fulfill those needs because you need to do it for Love before Lust. What we have is special and as desperate as I feel sometimes, I do not want us to be lovers. A physical relationship would ruin us.”

“Why do you say that? Why would it ruin us?”

“Because I would be doing it for simply sex and you would be doing it for love. You are a romantic, and you won’t understand the emotional baggage behind a physical relationship until you find the right guy.”

A part of me knew that what he was saying made sense. We have never gone beyond a passionate kiss, and even then, there were emotions attached . Allowing something stronger to happen would ruin us, it would ruin me. It would haunt me very time he went out with someone. “So are you saying that because you have needs, it allows you to bring random men to the house and I’m not supposed to say anything?”

“No, you are right about this being our home. I should not bring one night stands here. If anything is going to happen, we will go to his place or somewhere else.”

I felt like my head was in a cloud, stuffed with emotions I could not categorize. And I could not think of what to say, so I robotically said “Thank you.” He pulled me into a strong embrace.

“Gerard…”

“hmmm?”

“You stink like his aftershave…” I pulled away from his embrace. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be rude. I just need to process this. I need to feel okay with all that you just said. It will sink it, but until it does, I just need some space to breath, to think.” I could feel tears in my eyes again, a rollercoaster of emotions stirred my heart. I don’t think that in that moment I was crying because of pity, I think my tears were from relief, from appreciating that he talked with me.

“Don’t cry darling…” he handed me a napkin.

“Gerry, thank you for talking to me. Thank for listening when I get upset. Thank you for taking a moment to sit down and talk about this with me. I appreciate you staying and talking this through.”

“Well, I could not let you go to bed angry or hurt. I mean, I saw you run after that guy with a knife!” he answered jokingly. “I might have been a little worried about my safety.”

I stood there in silence looking at each other for a couple minutes. I don’t know what was going through his mind, maybe he was still waiting for the buzz to die down. I kept replaying the conversation we had just shared. I don’t think it went as fluid or “calm” like I wrote, but I think Gerard got his point across. He made the choice of being “straight married” and if he didn’t have any other needs, then that would be enough. Unfortunately, there is something else missing, something that I will never be able to give.

 

 

My emotions are still a mess. I don’t know why wrote this down. I don’t know why I’m trying to make sense of this publically. I think this is just my way of “talking out loud”.

 

Thanks for listening. This was probably the most “raw” entry I’ve done inwhile. I hope it wasn’t too personal.

Till next time.

Desirae

Careful With What You Do & Say

 

Dear Blog,

I knew when I married Gerry that it wouldn’t just be the two of us. I knew that there would always be someone else, someone who truly held his heart. But I expected that other person to be someone I knew, someone I could trust. I thought that other person would always be Bryce. It never occurred to me that they would break up or that Bryce would move away. When it happened I didn’t think much of it because I was thrilled that I would be spending ‘alone’ time with Gerard. I was foolishly exciting about starting a life with my husband.

I forgot for awhile that it’s never “just the two of us”. There is always another man in the picture, there is always another person on his mind.

Today I was reminded of that ‘ugly truth’. I was reminded that he’s not just mine to love.

 

I went to work in the morning to see if the books I ordered for the classes next year came in.  My coordinator has been on my case about ordering the books so  she can approve them before sending out the list of School Supplies to the parents.  Unfortunately the books hadn’t come in yet, so I spend the morning on the phone with the delivery people trying to figure out why there was a delay. It was a hectic morning. Then during the afternoon I went shopping for some new bath towels. The ones we have in our bathroom are getting discolored and the fabric seems to be thinning. They aren’t in good shape anymore!! I found some very nice light green towels, but they didn’t match the master bathroom. I bought a set of the hand towels because they match the half bathroom downstairs. It took me awhile to find nice (*inexpensive*) bath towels for the master bathroom, but after a couple hours of browsing through stores I found thick, fluffy beige towels. I am very pleased with them. The fabric is very sturdy and thick and they are jumbo size. I could probably pass them off as beach towels if I wanted to.

Gerard wanted me to get plain white towels, but I think that is too boring. The bathroom is a very neutral color and I wanted to brighten up the place a bit. I know beige doesn’t do much, but at least it is a little hint of color. While I was in the bathroom department I found some creative looking soaps that smell like almonds.

I couldn’t wait to get home and fix the bathroom to surprise Gerry. I’d spent most of the day at moll shopping so it was almost 7:00pm when I arrived to the house. I had told my mother I would stop by and visit with her, but I called her up and canceled. I wanted to get home and prepare dinner. As I pulled into the driveway I was surprised to see Gerry’s car along with another car parked behind him. I figured that he brought over a client or maybe a family member had stopped by.

I walked into the house and saw him sitting on the couch in the TV room passionately kissing another man. I noticed two empty wine glasses on the table, it was clear that they had been drinking for awhile.   I was taken aback and my jaw dropped as I observed what was happening before my eyes. I dropped the bags I was holding and sound they made when they hit the floor interrupted the two men.

“Gerry!?” I exclaimed as I noticed his messing hair, unbuttoned shirt and unclasped belt. I felt sick at my stomach.

“Rae!” He looked surprised to see me, but he didn’t try and concealing what was going on. “I thought you weren’t coming home until later tonight…” I could hear that his speech was a bit sluggish. He was drunk.

“I—I…” My brain froze. I couldn’t think of what to say. Was I actually feeling guilty for come home early?? I’d be damned if he made me feel bad!

The man, the stranger next to my husband, stared me down as if he had every right to be there and I was the maid. He turned to Gerry and asked; “Who is that?” By the sound of his voice, he was also slightly drunk.

I threw my hands up in the air out of exasperation. I couldn’t believe it! The gall of him asking WHO I was. I heard Gerard answer that I was his wife…at least he was being honest.

“You are married?” the stranger exclaimed.

I walked up to him, grabbing the shirt and jacket that were on the floor next to him and threw them at him. “Yes!” I yelled. “I am his wife…Now. Get. Out!”

The stranger made no attempt to move, instead he seemed to have a smirk on his face. Gerry stood up and putting his hands on my shoulder tried calming me down. I shoved him away and I continued to scream at the guy to leave. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a chopping knife on the drying board in the kitchen. Somewhere or somehow I got the nerve to walk into the kitchen pick up the knife and walk back into the TV. Well, that got the stranger moving!! He jumped up off the cough and clumsily reached for his shirt and shoes. Gerry held his hands up as if trying to stop me. I waved the knife in the stranger’s direction. I didn’t have any real intention of harming him, I merely wanted to scare him and get him out of the house.

“I said, Get Out of My House, NOW!!!” I was so angry and hurt. As I continued to yell ‘Get Out!’ I felt hot tears run down my cheeks. The guy ran out of the house, got in his car and drove away faster than anyone I’d ever seen. I don’t think I’ll  be seeing him again. As his car disappeared into the distance, a full blast of emotions hit me and dropping the knife I fell to my knees. I couldn't stop the tears from falling and I felt like my heart was being ripped.

“Rae… I…” Gerry leaned down and tried putting his arm on my shoulder, but I shoved him away.

“Who is he?” I asked.  “How long have you known him?”

“I…” Gerard sat down on the couch and tried tucking in his shirt. I could tell he was trying to get his thoughts together. I was terrified of the answer he was going to give me. “I met him at a bar the other night when I had drinks with my co-workers.”

“You met him at a bar… the other day…” I couldn’t believe it. “You went for drinks two days ago. Are you saying you met this guy two days ago?..” I was so mad at him I started screaming at him. “Gerry, what the hell were you thinking!! This is our home!! Not your personal brothel! You are married!..”

“It’s not a real marriage Desirae! Stop believing this lie!! This isn’t real! I only married you because of my job!” He yelled back at me waving his hands in the air. “I’m so sick of your silly romance and your jealously. Get it for once in your head that this isn’t a real marriage, it never was and it never will  be…”

“I know this isn’t real! You never stop repeating that. I know this marriage means nothing to you.”   I said as I screamed back. “I know that I will never be enough for you and I know all to well what benefits you get by pretending to have a perfect marriage…but this is beyond just my ‘silly romance or jealousy’. Have you thought of what could happen if anyone saw you with a man? Have you even thought of what could happen if that One Night stand leads to your ‘secret’ being exposed?…”

Gerry stared at me as I continued to yell at him. “You don’t know that man! Think of what you are doing!! Now I never said anything when Bryce was around because I knew him. I trusted him. I knew that he would never expose your secret or gain any information that could be used against you…Bryce knew about me, he knew you had a wife. You have somewhat of a moral commitment. You still don’t get that you aren’t alone. You’re actions don’t just affect you, they could affect me and your family…”

Gerard listen to every word I said, I could tell  he still had a buzz from the wine, but I knew he was listening to my argument. It didn’t change the fact that I was, am, angry at him.

“I am sorry…” he finally said. “You are right I wasn’t thinking. But I think you are over thinking this, it was just going to be a one time thing…”

“If you want a one night stand then take your date to a motel!! Don’t you ever bring a stranger into our home!” I ran upstairs and locked myself in the guest bedroom, my old room.

I hear Gerry moving around downstairs and I think he’ll be coming up later to go to bed. I can’t look at him right now. I can’t stand him this moment. He didn’t say much and he doesn’t seem worried about what happened. I am disgusted and hurt. I knew that Gerry would find someone else after Bryce left, but I expected for it to be slower and something real…

I can’t write anymore. I am tired… I just wish  he knew to be careful with the way he acts and the things he says or doesn’t say.

 

I can’t stay if this is how things will be…

 

till next time

Desirae Valdespino