Almost Four Years…some updates

 

Dear Blog,

How time flies! I can hardly believe that in two months we will have been married 4 years. So much has happened in four years. We have had endless arguments and stuck through them.  We have also had endless wonderful memories together.

I know I have neglected this blog a bit. (A LOT!) Things got hectic at work and at home. I won’t go into detail. I believe most of the excuses you’ve heard before or at least you could imagine it. “Argument with the husband”, “separation in the family”, “trust issues”, “busy at work”, etc.

A Gerry is happy in his job at the magazine. He has a flare for fashion and he is a talented writing. I was never good at writing articles o critical reviews of a product. I guess that is why I admire Gerry so much for being able to do that. He is great help when I need to write an article for my job. I am very grateful that his job had him transferred back here. I thankful that we don’t have to move. It was hard living apart for so many months and I know it was a challenging for Gerry too. I am glad we weren’t given a “choice” to move or stay. He was very happy working abroad and I know he loved his loft, but I don’t think I would have been happy in an apartment. I don’t think it would have been an upgrade in anyway; owning our own house to paying monthly rent on a loft.

I continue to teach at a private school, elementary literature. I love being a literature teacher. Nothing can describe the feeling of watching a student that didn’t love to read, suddenly pick up books and devour them. Their hunger for knowledge motivates me to want to be better.  I also continue to tutoring in the afternoon. I used to offer tutoring classes at the house, but when we started painting the kitchen I decided it would be easier for me to go to the student’s house. I get off work after 3:00, I have lunch at school and then I drive to my students home. I usually end up arriving home after 7 or 8. I take advantage of the weekends to cook different meals and then freeze them. That way if Gerard gets home before me, he can just stick a plate in the microwave or oven and dinner would be ready! 

Some days I missed the taste of a fresh cooked meal, so I’ll eat at work or go out to eat. Unfortunately I did that last month for a two weeks and gained weight.  I feel like my past 4-5 months of intensive dieting went down the tubes. I gained back what took me months to lose!!! My nutritionist is a bit expensive so I try to stick with the diet she gives me and not visit her so often. I know that’s a terrible way to approach a diet, but its what I can do for now.

Thank goodness Gerry has been sweet about the subject and won’t criticize me or make sly remarks about my weight. He has learned how sensitive I am about it. I may have developed thicker skin for his other remarks, but when it comes to my weight I will either verbally slaughter him or I will cry for days. Neither outcome has is nice for him to come home too.

For the moment, I am avoiding the long mirror behind the closet door until I feel like I’ve lost a couple pounds. Otherwise I know I will go into starvation mode and really screw myself up.

I feel like this might have taken a depressing turn. Uuppss…

Well this are some updates. I hope I am able to  catch up with the missing entries in this blog. I am going to try and update at least once a day. I won’t promise that it will be a long entry, but it will be worth reading.

Till next time! Thanks for stick with us so far!

 

xoxo

D.

Updates! :D ...4 months till 1 year Anniversary

I keep meaning to write, but as I mentioned in my last post, my job has kept me busier than usual.

I’m still working as a teacher, I’m teacher Spanish again. I have 3 groups with 28-30 kids in each group, so most of my free time has been spent grading papers and planning activities. High school students are very hormonal. I had forgotten how dramatic seventeen and eighteen year olds are.

I know for a fact I was very dramatic in junior high school (not emotional, but I just made a big deal out of little things.)When I in junior high school I was the kind of girl who got picked last in gym, I was the girl left standing alone in the corner at school dances, I was the girl who was picked on, and I was simply the girl who did very well in school and poorly in “love”. (I hardly find high school love to be ‘real’ love. Now as I look back I think it’s more of a continued infatuation with the opposite sex.) I admit I was probably boy-crazy, but I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was in college. So by High school, I had a lot of self-defense walls up. It took me a long time to find friends whom I trusted. It took me even longer to become friends with guys.

Now here I am, married to my best friend, and I still wonder if I did well with love after all. I can’t believe that in 118 days, in four months, Gerard and I will be married for a year. Time has just gone by so fast!! We’ve had a lot of ups and downs this year. I look back now and the first few months before the wedding were very emotional, and the months after the wedding were challenging. We are still learning about each other and copping.

For the first time since we got married it’s just the two of us. Last month Bryce broke up with Gerry. Over the summer, mainly the month of June, Bryce started having trouble with his job and got very snapping with Gerry. They argued over silly things and finally there came a time when they couldn’t even stand the presence of one another. Last week Bryce officially got all of his things out of our house and moved back into his house (the people renting it left a couple weeks before, so the timing was perfect).

It has been weird these past weeks. I still speak with Bryce every Friday. I call him to check up. It became a habit while he was living with us to talk with him about what had happen during the day. I would not doubt that they will patch things up and he’ll move back in. I think they both needed a break, this past year has brought a lot of changes, and it’s good for them to get a fresh start.

Gerry is coming out of his depression and I see him very motivated at work. There hasn’t been a lot of excitement at work yet, but I know the Fall dress collection is coming out soon. I find it funny after all this time Gerard still tries to get me to dress like the models in the magazine. I tried it for awhile, but on my teacher salary it’s not worth it. So I told Gerry that if he wants me dressing that fashionably he needed to get free samples or buy it for me. That ended the discussion.

I’ve noticed that he’s taken up the hobby of photography. I think hanging around the photographers at work so much and observing how they direct the models, made him curious. He bought himself a nice Nikon digital camera. The first few pictures he took were out of focus and funny, he wanted to throw them away, but I loved the awkwardness in each picture, so I framed them. He’s gotten better at taking pictures and we have a couple very professional-looking. 

 I think this month he is going to start changing the small storage room in the back into a ‘red-room’ so he can develop his pictures at home. He used to take the roll to be developed at a local drug-store or sometimes at work. But he wants to be able to do it from home now.
Personally I think the room is too small, but I’ve learned not to argue with him. He has to find that out on his own…

  Let’s see how that goes.

Till next time.

Xoxo

Desirae

Valentine’s Day!!---30th Day As a Wife.

 

 

Dear Blog

Today is Valentine’s day!! Yey!!

Gerard and I have some special plans. We are not celebrating the most-commercial-romantic day of the year by ourselves. We invited our parents out to dinner.

This morning Gerry left a pastel colored rose on the kitchen table and a little note that said “Happy Valentine’s Wifey”.

 

I’ll have to write about the rest of the day later!! I’ll better get ready because we are meeting our parents at the restaurant in half an hour! ah!! :D

 

Desirae

Possible 2nd Novel Published---67 Days Till Wedding

I got a call yesterday from my editor/agent. A publishing house is interested in a novel I wrote a few years ago. I am excited. The first novel did very well; it sold out during the first two months. Now it is in the process of being translated into two languages. I am proud.
This second novel is very different from anything else I’ve written. It is memories of my high school years; my years of torment and bullying. The title and much of the “raw” topics have to be modified, but if all goes well, it looks like I may have a second novel on bookshelves by January.
Fingers crossed!! I have a second meeting with my editor the day after tomorrow.
Speaking novels and publishing’s… I haven’t told Gerard yet. I want to tell him. It has been a month since our big fight, but it is still a sore subject to talk about with him. We just got back on speaking terms. I am still mad at him, but we are working through it.
He knows how much he hurt me…and I guess every “couple” goes through rough patches…
[Diary Entry # 282
September 24^th,
10:00am
My grandfather has a small apartment that he rents. Right now it is vacant, so he was nice enough to let me stay at it while they fumigated our house. I am very allergic to the spray they use to fumigate. Mom and Dad stayed at home to take care of the dogs and overlook the workers. I will only be staying here for a week. I am enjoying the certain freedom of being on my own. Mom came over yesterday to drop of food, cleaning supplies and some cloths. I am excited this afternoon I have my First Translated book release party! The event is being held at a local bookstore and my family, colleagues and friends are attending. This is the first big event where I think Gerard can be proud of me. He will stand next to me and show everyone “This is my girl. This is the amazing woman I am marrying.”
To top off the celebration, I invited the guys over to my “new place” for dinner.
9:40pm
I am sitting at a coffee shop as I write this. I needed to get out of the house, my grandfather’s apartment.
I needed to clear my head. Gerry and I had a big fight. He didn’t show up. Bryce didn’t show up. I tried calling them, but their celphones were out of range. I kept hoping they would show up out of the blue, or pretend to forget. I actually got worried that something happened to Gerard, but once I called his office I knew he’d forgotten.
I had to make up a lame excuse for my fiancée not being at my big event.

I feel sick at my stomach. I feel heartbroken…

The event was a success. I presented the book for local newspapers and had a small book signing. I personalized every signature so that it would be more personal or dedicated for the individual asking for it. There were only 10 books which were signed with just my name. Those books are going to be auctioned off and the money gathered from it will be donated for 10 different charities.
My family and close friends attended, along with some extra guests. There were other literature agents there and young writers. I would say there were about 70 people there, so it wasn’t a very packed event but I consider that it was very good turnout.
There were finger-foods and drinks for everyone. My agent and publisher gave a nice speech about working with me and the book. It was such an honor. I was beyond happy and it was wonderful being able to share this special event with the people I care about… except him. 


After the event I drove to the apartment. My parents wanted to come with me, but I told them I wanted to be alone. I lied, saying I was tired and had a long day tomorrow. They congratulated me (again!) and then drove away.
I walked into the apartment and started making dinner. I put the flowers and little gifts I’d gotten in my room.
Bryce showed up soon afterwards and helped me. I was drinking a wine and making spaghettis when he struck up a conversation with me. I decided not to make anything special for dinner afterwards, I felt abandoned.

“How was your day?” he asked. 


I smiled and said “It was very fruitful. My fourth grade students are working on their short stories and my sixth graders learned the vocabulary for the novel they are reading this month. The remodeling they were doing in the library is done and now I have a little reading corner set up for the little kids. I’ll be teaching kindergarten again next year since I need to have more time off to be a housewife.”
“Has Gerard been getting on your case about being a housewife?”
“No. Not at all, on the contrary he rarely talks about it. I just want to have time to be more time at home, with you guys.”
“But we both work late.” He said as he munched on a piece of garlic bread.
“You could come home for lunch.” I said trying to sound encouraging.
“That is not a bad idea. I would love to have lunch at “home”.
“ Great, so starting next term, beginning of February you can have lunch at home. “
Bryce smiled and picks up a cold glass of water. “Aww. My tooth is so sensitive. I really need to get to the dentist.”
“Have you called to set up an appointment?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.
“No. I always want to call during my lunch break but then I get busy doing other things and I forget.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought you might forget. So I called and made you an appointment for this Friday at 6:30pm. You need to get permission to leave work 15 minutes early so you can find a parking spot.”
Bryce caught me in an embrace “You are a saint. Thank you so much. Let me write it down in my agenda… (he starts jotting it down)…Rae.. is today the 24^th?
“Yes it is.”
“I have written in my agenda that today was your book release and signing at 4pm. Please tell me that I wrote it in the wrong day. “
“I am amazed that you did have it in your agenda after all… “ I grabbed my glass of wine and held back my tears as I took a drink.
“No! No! Desirae, please forgive me! I don’t know how I could have forgotten! I´m so sorry! How did it go? “
“I don’t mean to be rude, but Bryce, I really don´t want to talk about it today…”
“Oh Desirae, please, forgive me. I forgot, I had a lot of meetings to discuss my new movie. And I was having trouble with the editor who was helping me with the script. I’ll make it up to you…”
“Make it up for me? How in the world are you going to make up for the fact that you forgot my book release? What could you possibly do or give me? It was time and a moment in my life that you missed out on. You can’t take back lost time and try and fix it. You forgot, I get that, I understand that. Just don’t promise to make it up, because you can’t.”
I don’t know why I’m so angry at Bryce… I know my true anger is towards Gerard. I threw my glass of wine in the kitchen sink, shattering it. I put the sauce on the spaghettis and put it on the table.
“Dinner is served; Gerard should be here in about 10 minutes. I put the rest of the garlic bread in the oven. Leave the dishes when you’re done and I’ll wash them.”
“Desiree, we can wash the dishes, you don’t have to do that for us or him.” He grabbed my arm. “This is your celebration. You don’t have to do anything.”
“Don’t I? I mean, isn’t that what the future-wife is suppose to do? Isn´t that what I’m here for? To be his wife and your helper?”
The front door opened, followed by a “I´m home” and then a “wow, what’s this big meal for? What are we celebrating?” I didn’t answer; I simply walked away and slammed the door to my room shut. I could hear whispering on the other side of the door, then a lot of curse words followed with the phrase “that was today???” there was a knock at my bedroom door.
Gerard peeked his head in through the door “Can I come in?”
“No.”
He walked in anyway and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry I forgot your event. I know that at least one of us should have been there. But Bryce was at a meeting and I was preparing the final photographs that will be displayed in the magazine next month.”
“Don´t lie to me please… it´s unfair. I called Bryce's office at 4:30 and he was out to lunch with a friend and when I called your office you were also out with a friend. You both went to lunch together.” I answered as tears streamed down my face.
“You tried calling us?”
“ You cel-phones were off. You only turn them off when you are together at lunch. So, darling, I have a right to feel hurt. My family, friends and colleagues were there but my future husband and friend were not.
“I will apologize as a friend for not being there, but as a husband, I will not. You take this too serious. I am your friend, not your lover or husband. We are in this together as an agreement. Stop thinking it is real.” He answered getting up from the bed and staring down at me. It stung in my heart what he had just said. My sadness was replaced with a deep anger and pain.
“This really means nothing to you, does it? This is only business for you. I’m such a fool. You get the amazing job, the amazing lover and a stepford wife to keep appearances. I thought that perhaps you loved me a little. A little more than a friend but less than a wife… What about the kiss you gave me at our engagement party last month? You never kissed me like that, what was all that about? Was that an act to play with my feelings?”
“That kiss was nothing Desiree! Stop imagining more! I only kissed you like that because I was imagining that I was kissing Bryce! I was kissing him not you! So stop this one and for all.” He screamed at me, stopped, and then put his hand through his hair…
I felt sick at that moment. I felt the walls come in on me and the world fall apart around me. “You were thinking of Bryce? You sick bastard...This… this is it. I can’t take this … not from you.”
I grabbed my coat and ran out the house. Bumping into Bryce, who clearly heard the whole fight, and I got in the car and drove. I didn’t have any place in particular that I was driving to; I just got in the car and drove.
That is now I ended up here at an old coffee parlor. I walked in and sat a booth. I took long deep breaths to keep from crying in public. How humiliating that would be…
I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now. I have lost count of how many cups of coffee I had drank. All I know is that if those cups of coffee had alcohol in them, I would be laying on the floor passed out.
I better get back home now…
1:00am
I got home about an hour ago. I was surprised to see Gerard’s car still in the driveway. Bryce must have left. The kitchen was picked up and the food was away in the refrigerator. Gerard was sleeping on the sofa. I walked by him and into my room. The door accidently slammed when I closed it, waking up Gerard. I locked the door and sat on the bed. I could hear him on the other side of the door.
“Rae… it’s late. Are you ok?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to him.
“Please open the door. We need to talk… I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for what I said…Listen. My job is sending me on a trip the day after tomorrow. Call me. I really want to talk with you before I leave…”
I could hear him leaning against the door, and then the creaking of the floor as he walked out the door.
You broke my heart Gerard. I don’t know if you understand how bruised I feel…]
END OF DIARY ENTRY # 282
I didn’t call him the day after that and we didn’t talk much during his two week business trip. Bryce took him to the airport and his father picked him up. I am grateful that he had that trip. It allowed me to have some space and deal with my feelings.
After his trip we got together for dinner at his place and discussed what happened… Perhaps I will go into that conversation later.
For now, I am happy. I am excited at the idea of having another book published… I will not tell anyone until it is a for sure thing.
XOXO
Desiree


Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in its original form.

LiveJournal Tags: arraignment,best friend,blog,fight,gay best friend,hurt,kiss,love,marriage,narrative story.,trip,update,wedding