Dear Blog
As a teacher I’ve seen bullying going on at school and it makes me so mad. As a student I was bullied. I was bullied in so many ways and for so many reasons that when I look back, they seem childish, but so cruel. I was bullied for my weight. I was bullied because of my tanned skin color. I was bullied for being smart. I was bullied for my looks.
Classmates told me I was fat. They said I was the daughter of maid because I was tanned. My mom is American, she has beautiful light skin, green eyes, and dark wavy hair. I look like my dad. I have the Mexican features. I’m ‘morena’ (tan/ brown skin). I suffered from terrible acne and my skin scared. I have dark black hair and brown eyes. But my classmates told me I was beneath them. They made me feel horrible about myself. They made fun of me for handing in all my homework. They made fun of me because I was short and shy.
Throughout elementary and junior high school I was a bright, smiley girl, willing to help anyone at anytime, but my willingness to help others was always taken advantage of. My classmates made me believe they were my friends. They’d hang out with me, pass me funny little notes during class, and exchange those ‘friendship’ bracelets. But then, as soon as I was out of sight, they’d turn around and say terrible things about me. They used me only to help them improve their grades. (I’d even do their homework sometimes.) They used me to make fun of me. I didn’t know this until much later. Usually I was very shy so any attention my classmates gave me was amazing. My parents told me I matured much more sooner than my classmates and I never quite fit in. When I was in 4th grade I was the only girl who had acne, and trouble with my weight. Most girls in my generation had nice tan or peach skin. Since my skin was darker and scared easily my classmates called me names, terrible names. But out of all my “imperfections” , I had one I liked; my glasses. (oddly enough they never made fun of me because I wore glasses) My glasses were my mask, I could be invisible. I could hide behind them and pretend to not hear the cruelty my classmates gave me. A cruelty that only existed in school. At home I had a loving and caring family. But like I’m an only child, I yearned for company. I wanted true good friends at school.
When I grew a little older, junior high level, it was the guys turn to take cruelty to the next level. They tricked me into believe I was interesting and beautiful. Beautiful, that was all I wanted to be. I yearned to fit in soo much, that I believed all those lies. At the school dance or birthday parties the guys would make bets, paying each other up to fifty dollars to invite me to the dance floor and leave me standing there. I soon lost count of how many times they did this to me. Soon I stopped going to dances. When I’d come back from school or the dances, after being hurt, I always forced a smile saying “I had a great day…” or “The dance was really fun! Everyone looked soo nice…”. I tried pretending that everything was fine, so no one suspected the true damage that I was suffering. Thankfully my parents noticed how unhappy I was…but most of the times I cried myself to sleep.
Boy’s comments really hurt me. I once helped a “guy-friend” ask out an girl to the dance. He was so happy…but he didn’t thank me or offer to set me up with one of this friends. So jokingly I asked him “Gosh, why is it that Jane can get a date, but I can’t…” Without thinking twice he answered “That’s because she’s pretty.” That hurt. It cut me to the soul. I felt like someone had punched me. I felt horrible that night, and like a lot of teenagers I considered taking my life.
I couldn’t cut myself, my analytical self was worried about the mess that my parents would have to clean up afterwards. I couldn’t take pills because I didn’t know how many I needed to take. So I turned to my mom and told her how I felt. I told her how depressed I was. I don’t remember the exact words she told me, but it was something like: “Why would you kill yourself over one boy? Do you think he will even care? Do you think he’ll even know you died because of him? He won’t care. He won’t notice. He’ll go on with his life. If anything he might even think you’re weak…”
So the thought stuck with me. Was this guy even worth it? Sure the words hurt like hell. But why should I kill myself over him?… I never again seriously considered killing myself .
Another time, I got paired off in a group project with the ‘cutest-guy-of-the-generation’, let’s call him: Jerk. Anyway, well since we had to do a school project together, Jerk and I had to spend time together. I really thought he was cute, I might have had a crush on him. Anyway, he started being very nice to me, and I was trilled!! We ended up getting an excellent grade on our project. Soon after that he stopped talking to me. I asked him why he stopped talking to me and he said “I just needed you so I wouldn’t fail that class. Thanks.” Then I said the worst statement ever, “I thought you liked me…” His answer: “If you looked like your mom I would totally date you. But you’re too ugly.” He straight out told me for the following two years of junior high school that I should kill myself. That the world would be better without me. Words are peoples strongest weapon. The damage takes so long to heal…if it ever does heal.
For a while after that I had guys tell me the same thing that Jerk said about dating me. If I looked like my mom they would date me. Well, I got color contact lenses (grey), I got blondish highlights in my hair, I got a makeover.
For close to two years I tried getting ‘improving’ myself. Then, one day, I was looking at old pictures of myself and I saw how dark my hair was. I hadn’t remembered my hair being that dark. I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. Was I really this person in the mirror? Had bullying led me to become someone I wasn’t?
School stress and so much chemical products in my hair, lead it to start falling out in clumps. During a semester I ended up with a small bald spot on the top right hand corner of my head. I had to get treatment and let my hair grow out naturally.
I haven’t colored my hair again in close to 5 years. (Gerard has seen old pictures of Blond and/or Red-head me and says I look horrible….haha good thing I met him when I’d stopped dying my hair.)
Bullies are present everywhere. The hardest part is when they are present during those teenage years when you’re trying to find yourself.
As clichéd as it might sound: IT DOES GET BETTER!
BUT NO ONE, NOT A SINGLE BULLY SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU FEEL YOU’RE NOT WORTH SOMETHING.
Everyone is worth something. Everyone is precious.
No one is worth dying for.
You should never feel like you should take your life away just because a bully said something mean/negative/degrading to you.
There are lots of people out there who will listen to you.
People who care and will help you. Things DO get better.
If it seems like no one will listen, well… I will. I may not know you, but I’ll listen. I’ll listen and be here.
You are special. You are loved. You are wanted. You are unique. You are worth so much more than you know…
Don’t let bullies decide your life.
xoxo.
Till Next Time
Desirae
PS. I found this wonderful site and I'd recommend it.
http://www.stopbullying.gov/
Showing posts with label understand. Show all posts
Showing posts with label understand. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Updates! :D ...4 months till 1 year Anniversary
I keep meaning to write, but as I mentioned in my last post, my job has kept me busier than usual.
I’m still working as a teacher, I’m teacher Spanish again. I have 3 groups with 28-30 kids in each group, so most of my free time has been spent grading papers and planning activities. High school students are very hormonal. I had forgotten how dramatic seventeen and eighteen year olds are.
I know for a fact I was very dramatic in junior high school (not emotional, but I just made a big deal out of little things.)When I in junior high school I was the kind of girl who got picked last in gym, I was the girl left standing alone in the corner at school dances, I was the girl who was picked on, and I was simply the girl who did very well in school and poorly in “love”. (I hardly find high school love to be ‘real’ love. Now as I look back I think it’s more of a continued infatuation with the opposite sex.) I admit I was probably boy-crazy, but I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was in college. So by High school, I had a lot of self-defense walls up. It took me a long time to find friends whom I trusted. It took me even longer to become friends with guys.
Now here I am, married to my best friend, and I still wonder if I did well with love after all. I can’t believe that in 118 days, in four months, Gerard and I will be married for a year. Time has just gone by so fast!! We’ve had a lot of ups and downs this year. I look back now and the first few months before the wedding were very emotional, and the months after the wedding were challenging. We are still learning about each other and copping.
For the first time since we got married it’s just the two of us. Last month Bryce broke up with Gerry. Over the summer, mainly the month of June, Bryce started having trouble with his job and got very snapping with Gerry. They argued over silly things and finally there came a time when they couldn’t even stand the presence of one another. Last week Bryce officially got all of his things out of our house and moved back into his house (the people renting it left a couple weeks before, so the timing was perfect).
It has been weird these past weeks. I still speak with Bryce every Friday. I call him to check up. It became a habit while he was living with us to talk with him about what had happen during the day. I would not doubt that they will patch things up and he’ll move back in. I think they both needed a break, this past year has brought a lot of changes, and it’s good for them to get a fresh start.
Gerry is coming out of his depression and I see him very motivated at work. There hasn’t been a lot of excitement at work yet, but I know the Fall dress collection is coming out soon. I find it funny after all this time Gerard still tries to get me to dress like the models in the magazine. I tried it for awhile, but on my teacher salary it’s not worth it. So I told Gerry that if he wants me dressing that fashionably he needed to get free samples or buy it for me. That ended the discussion.
I’ve noticed that he’s taken up the hobby of photography. I think hanging around the photographers at work so much and observing how they direct the models, made him curious. He bought himself a nice Nikon digital camera. The first few pictures he took were out of focus and funny, he wanted to throw them away, but I loved the awkwardness in each picture, so I framed them. He’s gotten better at taking pictures and we have a couple very professional-looking.
I think this month he is going to start changing the small storage room in the back into a ‘red-room’ so he can develop his pictures at home. He used to take the roll to be developed at a local drug-store or sometimes at work. But he wants to be able to do it from home now.
Personally I think the room is too small, but I’ve learned not to argue with him. He has to find that out on his own…
Personally I think the room is too small, but I’ve learned not to argue with him. He has to find that out on his own…
Let’s see how that goes.
Till next time.
Xoxo
Desirae
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Hypothetically Speaking…What if…?
Dear Blog
I am sitting in the eating area typing because while Gerry watches TV in the other room. I should be grading my students month exams, but I think my mind is still chewing on the conversation that Gerry and I just had.
We were sitting on the couch together watching a movie on the TNT channel. I was looking around the room, observing ‘our’ things; the sofa, the desk, the knickknacks, the carpet, the small table in the middle of the room, etc. A curious thought popped into my head.
“Gerry…” I said.
He answered with a grunt while his eyes stayed glued to the TV.
“I know its still very early in our relationship, but have you ever thought about what would happen if this didn’t work out?”
This caught his attention and he shifted to look at me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, have you ever thought that in the future you might want to get a divorce and marry someone else?” I could see a rather dazzled and confused look in his eye.
“Why are you asking that? Where is this coming from?” he asked. “I have not thought at all about the future of this relationship. I take it day by day. I haven’t even gotten used to the idea of “us” being married.” He stared at me and then continued “Are you having second thoughts?”
“No, no I’m not having second thoughts at all. I guess I was just curious…” I suddenly felt uncomfortable by blurring out my thoughts.
“What is on your mind?”
“Nothing really.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think that by looking around our house, I see that there are pieces still missing and in a sense it feels incomplete. As if it was empty or waiting to be packed up again. It reminds me of all those arguments my parents used to have…”
“You’re talking about all those fights they had when they wanted to get a divorce?”
“Yes.”
“Look Rae, I know that was hard for you. But in the end they stayed together. Things were hard and uncertain for awhile with you. I remember your teary midnight phone calls. It was very hard for you. However things worked out for them, they got therapy and stayed married.”
“But…”
“But if you would like to discuss the “hypothetic situation, the what if…” we can talk about it.”
“I just need to express that, If in the future, you want out or I want out we know what might happen.”
“Sure.” He leaned closer to me and hugged me. “So, if we got a divorce who get’s this sofa?”
“You Do!! It’s your sofa and it’s the worst thing in this house…” I answered jokingly.
“Deal. That’s all I want…” He turned the TV on mute. “What do you want?”
“I would like for things to be divided equally. Whatever I buy is mine and whatever you buy is yours. Everything in my room comes with me. Everything in your room goes with you. Whatever we bought together or for the house gets sold and we split the earnings. The house gets sold and we split the earnings as well.”
“Seems like you have given this a lot of thought…”
“I really haven’t thought about it much. It is just that I went through the heartbreak of watching my parents walk through the house yelling at each other and then going through the drawls and grabbing things, saying ‘this is mine’ or ‘that’s mine’…. I hated that. I hated the possession of things they bought together or for each other. I hated the fighting. “
“I promise that if this arraignment ever has to end, we will discuss it calmly. As heartbreaking as it may be, we will do things equally. Honestly above everything. Right?”
“Yes….Thank you.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and said “stop thinking such negative things. We’ve only been married three months.”
I don’t know what made me think of this. I guess it was just a random thought. But its nice to know that he took it serious. It is nice to know that I can count on him.
We have said it before, but our relationship has always had to be based on honestly. Even if it hurts. No lies, no disguise.
Now I better get back to checking my students exams.
till next time
XOXO
Desirae
I am sitting in the eating area typing because while Gerry watches TV in the other room. I should be grading my students month exams, but I think my mind is still chewing on the conversation that Gerry and I just had.
We were sitting on the couch together watching a movie on the TNT channel. I was looking around the room, observing ‘our’ things; the sofa, the desk, the knickknacks, the carpet, the small table in the middle of the room, etc. A curious thought popped into my head.
“Gerry…” I said.
He answered with a grunt while his eyes stayed glued to the TV.
“I know its still very early in our relationship, but have you ever thought about what would happen if this didn’t work out?”
This caught his attention and he shifted to look at me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, have you ever thought that in the future you might want to get a divorce and marry someone else?” I could see a rather dazzled and confused look in his eye.
“Why are you asking that? Where is this coming from?” he asked. “I have not thought at all about the future of this relationship. I take it day by day. I haven’t even gotten used to the idea of “us” being married.” He stared at me and then continued “Are you having second thoughts?”
“No, no I’m not having second thoughts at all. I guess I was just curious…” I suddenly felt uncomfortable by blurring out my thoughts.
“What is on your mind?”
“Nothing really.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think that by looking around our house, I see that there are pieces still missing and in a sense it feels incomplete. As if it was empty or waiting to be packed up again. It reminds me of all those arguments my parents used to have…”
“You’re talking about all those fights they had when they wanted to get a divorce?”
“Yes.”
“Look Rae, I know that was hard for you. But in the end they stayed together. Things were hard and uncertain for awhile with you. I remember your teary midnight phone calls. It was very hard for you. However things worked out for them, they got therapy and stayed married.”
“But…”
“But if you would like to discuss the “hypothetic situation, the what if…” we can talk about it.”
“I just need to express that, If in the future, you want out or I want out we know what might happen.”
“Sure.” He leaned closer to me and hugged me. “So, if we got a divorce who get’s this sofa?”
“You Do!! It’s your sofa and it’s the worst thing in this house…” I answered jokingly.
“Deal. That’s all I want…” He turned the TV on mute. “What do you want?”
“I would like for things to be divided equally. Whatever I buy is mine and whatever you buy is yours. Everything in my room comes with me. Everything in your room goes with you. Whatever we bought together or for the house gets sold and we split the earnings. The house gets sold and we split the earnings as well.”
“Seems like you have given this a lot of thought…”
“I really haven’t thought about it much. It is just that I went through the heartbreak of watching my parents walk through the house yelling at each other and then going through the drawls and grabbing things, saying ‘this is mine’ or ‘that’s mine’…. I hated that. I hated the possession of things they bought together or for each other. I hated the fighting. “
“I promise that if this arraignment ever has to end, we will discuss it calmly. As heartbreaking as it may be, we will do things equally. Honestly above everything. Right?”
“Yes….Thank you.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and said “stop thinking such negative things. We’ve only been married three months.”
I don’t know what made me think of this. I guess it was just a random thought. But its nice to know that he took it serious. It is nice to know that I can count on him.
We have said it before, but our relationship has always had to be based on honestly. Even if it hurts. No lies, no disguise.
Now I better get back to checking my students exams.
till next time
XOXO
Desirae
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Possible 2nd Novel Published---67 Days Till Wedding
I got a call yesterday from my editor/agent. A publishing house is interested in a novel I wrote a few years ago. I am excited. The first novel did very well; it sold out during the first two months. Now it is in the process of being translated into two languages. I am proud.
This second novel is very different from anything else I’ve written. It is memories of my high school years; my years of torment and bullying. The title and much of the “raw” topics have to be modified, but if all goes well, it looks like I may have a second novel on bookshelves by January.
Fingers crossed!! I have a second meeting with my editor the day after tomorrow.
Speaking novels and publishing’s… I haven’t told Gerard yet. I want to tell him. It has been a month since our big fight, but it is still a sore subject to talk about with him. We just got back on speaking terms. I am still mad at him, but we are working through it.
He knows how much he hurt me…and I guess every “couple” goes through rough patches…
[Diary Entry # 282
September 24th,
10:00am
My grandfather has a small apartment that he rents. Right now it is vacant, so he was nice enough to let me stay at it while they fumigated our house. I am very allergic to the spray they use to fumigate. Mom and Dad stayed at home to take care of the dogs and overlook the workers. I will only be staying here for a week. I am enjoying the certain freedom of being on my own. Mom came over yesterday to drop of food, cleaning supplies and some cloths. I am excited this afternoon I have my First Translated book release party! The event is being held at a local bookstore and my family, colleagues and friends are attending. This is the first big event where I think Gerard can be proud of me. He will stand next to me and show everyone “This is my girl. This is the amazing woman I am marrying.”
To top off the celebration, I invited the guys over to my “new place” for dinner.
9:40pm
I am sitting at a coffee shop as I write this. I needed to get out of the house, my grandfather’s apartment.
I needed to clear my head. Gerry and I had a big fight. He didn’t show up. Bryce didn’t show up. I tried calling them, but their celphones were out of range. I kept hoping they would show up out of the blue, or pretend to forget. I actually got worried that something happened to Gerard, but once I called his office I knew he’d forgotten.
I had to make up a lame excuse for my fiancée not being at my big event.
I feel sick at my stomach. I feel heartbroken…
The event was a success. I presented the book for local newspapers and had a small book signing. I personalized every signature so that it would be more personal or dedicated for the individual asking for it. There were only 10 books which were signed with just my name. Those books are going to be auctioned off and the money gathered from it will be donated for 10 different charities.
My family and close friends attended, along with some extra guests. There were other literature agents there and young writers. I would say there were about 70 people there, so it wasn’t a very packed event but I consider that it was very good turnout.
There were finger-foods and drinks for everyone. My agent and publisher gave a nice speech about working with me and the book. It was such an honor. I was beyond happy and it was wonderful being able to share this special event with the people I care about… except him.
After the event I drove to the apartment. My parents wanted to come with me, but I told them I wanted to be alone. I lied, saying I was tired and had a long day tomorrow. They congratulated me (again!) and then drove away.
I walked into the apartment and started making dinner. I put the flowers and little gifts I’d gotten in my room.
Bryce showed up soon afterwards and helped me. I was drinking a wine and making spaghettis when he struck up a conversation with me. I decided not to make anything special for dinner afterwards, I felt abandoned.
“How was your day?” he asked.
I smiled and said “It was very fruitful. My fourth grade students are working on their short stories and my sixth graders learned the vocabulary for the novel they are reading this month. The remodeling they were doing in the library is done and now I have a little reading corner set up for the little kids. I’ll be teaching kindergarten again next year since I need to have more time off to be a housewife.”
“Has Gerard been getting on your case about being a housewife?”
“No. Not at all, on the contrary he rarely talks about it. I just want to have time to be more time at home, with you guys.”
“But we both work late.” He said as he munched on a piece of garlic bread.
“You could come home for lunch.” I said trying to sound encouraging.
“That is not a bad idea. I would love to have lunch at “home”.
“ Great, so starting next term, beginning of February you can have lunch at home. “
Bryce smiled and picks up a cold glass of water. “Aww. My tooth is so sensitive. I really need to get to the dentist.”
“Have you called to set up an appointment?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.
“No. I always want to call during my lunch break but then I get busy doing other things and I forget.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought you might forget. So I called and made you an appointment for this Friday at 6:30pm. You need to get permission to leave work 15 minutes early so you can find a parking spot.”
Bryce caught me in an embrace “You are a saint. Thank you so much. Let me write it down in my agenda… (he starts jotting it down)…Rae.. is today the 24th?
“Yes it is.”
“I have written in my agenda that today was your book release and signing at 4pm. Please tell me that I wrote it in the wrong day. “
“I am amazed that you did have it in your agenda after all… “ I grabbed my glass of wine and held back my tears as I took a drink.
“No! No! Desirae, please forgive me! I don’t know how I could have forgotten! I´m so sorry! How did it go? “
“I don’t mean to be rude, but Bryce, I really don´t want to talk about it today…”
“Oh Desirae, please, forgive me. I forgot, I had a lot of meetings to discuss my new movie. And I was having trouble with the editor who was helping me with the script. I’ll make it up to you…”
“Make it up for me? How in the world are you going to make up for the fact that you forgot my book release? What could you possibly do or give me? It was time and a moment in my life that you missed out on. You can’t take back lost time and try and fix it. You forgot, I get that, I understand that. Just don’t promise to make it up, because you can’t.”
I don’t know why I’m so angry at Bryce… I know my true anger is towards Gerard. I threw my glass of wine in the kitchen sink, shattering it. I put the sauce on the spaghettis and put it on the table.
“Dinner is served; Gerard should be here in about 10 minutes. I put the rest of the garlic bread in the oven. Leave the dishes when you’re done and I’ll wash them.”
“Desiree, we can wash the dishes, you don’t have to do that for us or him.” He grabbed my arm. “This is your celebration. You don’t have to do anything.”
“Don’t I? I mean, isn’t that what the future-wife is suppose to do? Isn´t that what I’m here for? To be his wife and your helper?”
The front door opened, followed by a “I´m home” and then a “wow, what’s this big meal for? What are we celebrating?” I didn’t answer; I simply walked away and slammed the door to my room shut. I could hear whispering on the other side of the door, then a lot of curse words followed with the phrase “that was today???” there was a knock at my bedroom door.
Gerard peeked his head in through the door “Can I come in?”
“No.”
He walked in anyway and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry I forgot your event. I know that at least one of us should have been there. But Bryce was at a meeting and I was preparing the final photographs that will be displayed in the magazine next month.”
“Don´t lie to me please… it´s unfair. I called Bryce's office at 4:30 and he was out to lunch with a friend and when I called your office you were also out with a friend. You both went to lunch together.” I answered as tears streamed down my face.
“You tried calling us?”
“ You cel-phones were off. You only turn them off when you are together at lunch. So, darling, I have a right to feel hurt. My family, friends and colleagues were there but my future husband and friend were not.
“I will apologize as a friend for not being there, but as a husband, I will not. You take this too serious. I am your friend, not your lover or husband. We are in this together as an agreement. Stop thinking it is real.” He answered getting up from the bed and staring down at me. It stung in my heart what he had just said. My sadness was replaced with a deep anger and pain.
“This really means nothing to you, does it? This is only business for you. I’m such a fool. You get the amazing job, the amazing lover and a stepford wife to keep appearances. I thought that perhaps you loved me a little. A little more than a friend but less than a wife… What about the kiss you gave me at our engagement party last month? You never kissed me like that, what was all that about? Was that an act to play with my feelings?”
“That kiss was nothing Desiree! Stop imagining more! I only kissed you like that because I was imagining that I was kissing Bryce! I was kissing him not you! So stop this one and for all.” He screamed at me, stopped, and then put his hand through his hair…
I felt sick at that moment. I felt the walls come in on me and the world fall apart around me. “You were thinking of Bryce? You sick bastard...This… this is it. I can’t take this … not from you.”
I grabbed my coat and ran out the house. Bumping into Bryce, who clearly heard the whole fight, and I got in the car and drove. I didn’t have any place in particular that I was driving to; I just got in the car and drove.
That is now I ended up here at an old coffee parlor. I walked in and sat a booth. I took long deep breaths to keep from crying in public. How humiliating that would be…
I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now. I have lost count of how many cups of coffee I had drank. All I know is that if those cups of coffee had alcohol in them, I would be laying on the floor passed out.
I better get back home now…
1:00am
I got home about an hour ago. I was surprised to see Gerard’s car still in the driveway. Bryce must have left. The kitchen was picked up and the food was away in the refrigerator. Gerard was sleeping on the sofa. I walked by him and into my room. The door accidently slammed when I closed it, waking up Gerard. I locked the door and sat on the bed. I could hear him on the other side of the door.
“Rae… it’s late. Are you ok?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to him.
“Please open the door. We need to talk… I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for what I said…Listen. My job is sending me on a trip the day after tomorrow. Call me. I really want to talk with you before I leave…”
I could hear him leaning against the door, and then the creaking of the floor as he walked out the door.
You broke my heart Gerard. I don’t know if you understand how bruised I feel…]
END OF DIARY ENTRY # 282
I didn’t call him the day after that and we didn’t talk much during his two week business trip. Bryce took him to the airport and his father picked him up. I am grateful that he had that trip. It allowed me to have some space and deal with my feelings.
After his trip we got together for dinner at his place and discussed what happened… Perhaps I will go into that conversation later.
For now, I am happy. I am excited at the idea of having another book published… I will not tell anyone until it is a for sure thing.
XOXO
Desiree
Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in its original form.
This second novel is very different from anything else I’ve written. It is memories of my high school years; my years of torment and bullying. The title and much of the “raw” topics have to be modified, but if all goes well, it looks like I may have a second novel on bookshelves by January.
Fingers crossed!! I have a second meeting with my editor the day after tomorrow.
Speaking novels and publishing’s… I haven’t told Gerard yet. I want to tell him. It has been a month since our big fight, but it is still a sore subject to talk about with him. We just got back on speaking terms. I am still mad at him, but we are working through it.
He knows how much he hurt me…and I guess every “couple” goes through rough patches…
[Diary Entry # 282
September 24th,
10:00am
My grandfather has a small apartment that he rents. Right now it is vacant, so he was nice enough to let me stay at it while they fumigated our house. I am very allergic to the spray they use to fumigate. Mom and Dad stayed at home to take care of the dogs and overlook the workers. I will only be staying here for a week. I am enjoying the certain freedom of being on my own. Mom came over yesterday to drop of food, cleaning supplies and some cloths. I am excited this afternoon I have my First Translated book release party! The event is being held at a local bookstore and my family, colleagues and friends are attending. This is the first big event where I think Gerard can be proud of me. He will stand next to me and show everyone “This is my girl. This is the amazing woman I am marrying.”
To top off the celebration, I invited the guys over to my “new place” for dinner.
9:40pm
I am sitting at a coffee shop as I write this. I needed to get out of the house, my grandfather’s apartment.
I needed to clear my head. Gerry and I had a big fight. He didn’t show up. Bryce didn’t show up. I tried calling them, but their celphones were out of range. I kept hoping they would show up out of the blue, or pretend to forget. I actually got worried that something happened to Gerard, but once I called his office I knew he’d forgotten.
I had to make up a lame excuse for my fiancée not being at my big event.
I feel sick at my stomach. I feel heartbroken…
The event was a success. I presented the book for local newspapers and had a small book signing. I personalized every signature so that it would be more personal or dedicated for the individual asking for it. There were only 10 books which were signed with just my name. Those books are going to be auctioned off and the money gathered from it will be donated for 10 different charities.
My family and close friends attended, along with some extra guests. There were other literature agents there and young writers. I would say there were about 70 people there, so it wasn’t a very packed event but I consider that it was very good turnout.
There were finger-foods and drinks for everyone. My agent and publisher gave a nice speech about working with me and the book. It was such an honor. I was beyond happy and it was wonderful being able to share this special event with the people I care about… except him.
After the event I drove to the apartment. My parents wanted to come with me, but I told them I wanted to be alone. I lied, saying I was tired and had a long day tomorrow. They congratulated me (again!) and then drove away.
I walked into the apartment and started making dinner. I put the flowers and little gifts I’d gotten in my room.
Bryce showed up soon afterwards and helped me. I was drinking a wine and making spaghettis when he struck up a conversation with me. I decided not to make anything special for dinner afterwards, I felt abandoned.
“How was your day?” he asked.
I smiled and said “It was very fruitful. My fourth grade students are working on their short stories and my sixth graders learned the vocabulary for the novel they are reading this month. The remodeling they were doing in the library is done and now I have a little reading corner set up for the little kids. I’ll be teaching kindergarten again next year since I need to have more time off to be a housewife.”
“Has Gerard been getting on your case about being a housewife?”
“No. Not at all, on the contrary he rarely talks about it. I just want to have time to be more time at home, with you guys.”
“But we both work late.” He said as he munched on a piece of garlic bread.
“You could come home for lunch.” I said trying to sound encouraging.
“That is not a bad idea. I would love to have lunch at “home”.
“ Great, so starting next term, beginning of February you can have lunch at home. “
Bryce smiled and picks up a cold glass of water. “Aww. My tooth is so sensitive. I really need to get to the dentist.”
“Have you called to set up an appointment?” I asked, but I already knew the answer.
“No. I always want to call during my lunch break but then I get busy doing other things and I forget.”
I rolled my eyes. “I thought you might forget. So I called and made you an appointment for this Friday at 6:30pm. You need to get permission to leave work 15 minutes early so you can find a parking spot.”
Bryce caught me in an embrace “You are a saint. Thank you so much. Let me write it down in my agenda… (he starts jotting it down)…Rae.. is today the 24th?
“Yes it is.”
“I have written in my agenda that today was your book release and signing at 4pm. Please tell me that I wrote it in the wrong day. “
“I am amazed that you did have it in your agenda after all… “ I grabbed my glass of wine and held back my tears as I took a drink.
“No! No! Desirae, please forgive me! I don’t know how I could have forgotten! I´m so sorry! How did it go? “
“I don’t mean to be rude, but Bryce, I really don´t want to talk about it today…”
“Oh Desirae, please, forgive me. I forgot, I had a lot of meetings to discuss my new movie. And I was having trouble with the editor who was helping me with the script. I’ll make it up to you…”
“Make it up for me? How in the world are you going to make up for the fact that you forgot my book release? What could you possibly do or give me? It was time and a moment in my life that you missed out on. You can’t take back lost time and try and fix it. You forgot, I get that, I understand that. Just don’t promise to make it up, because you can’t.”
I don’t know why I’m so angry at Bryce… I know my true anger is towards Gerard. I threw my glass of wine in the kitchen sink, shattering it. I put the sauce on the spaghettis and put it on the table.
“Dinner is served; Gerard should be here in about 10 minutes. I put the rest of the garlic bread in the oven. Leave the dishes when you’re done and I’ll wash them.”
“Desiree, we can wash the dishes, you don’t have to do that for us or him.” He grabbed my arm. “This is your celebration. You don’t have to do anything.”
“Don’t I? I mean, isn’t that what the future-wife is suppose to do? Isn´t that what I’m here for? To be his wife and your helper?”
The front door opened, followed by a “I´m home” and then a “wow, what’s this big meal for? What are we celebrating?” I didn’t answer; I simply walked away and slammed the door to my room shut. I could hear whispering on the other side of the door, then a lot of curse words followed with the phrase “that was today???” there was a knock at my bedroom door.
Gerard peeked his head in through the door “Can I come in?”
“No.”
He walked in anyway and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry I forgot your event. I know that at least one of us should have been there. But Bryce was at a meeting and I was preparing the final photographs that will be displayed in the magazine next month.”
“Don´t lie to me please… it´s unfair. I called Bryce's office at 4:30 and he was out to lunch with a friend and when I called your office you were also out with a friend. You both went to lunch together.” I answered as tears streamed down my face.
“You tried calling us?”
“ You cel-phones were off. You only turn them off when you are together at lunch. So, darling, I have a right to feel hurt. My family, friends and colleagues were there but my future husband and friend were not.
“I will apologize as a friend for not being there, but as a husband, I will not. You take this too serious. I am your friend, not your lover or husband. We are in this together as an agreement. Stop thinking it is real.” He answered getting up from the bed and staring down at me. It stung in my heart what he had just said. My sadness was replaced with a deep anger and pain.
“This really means nothing to you, does it? This is only business for you. I’m such a fool. You get the amazing job, the amazing lover and a stepford wife to keep appearances. I thought that perhaps you loved me a little. A little more than a friend but less than a wife… What about the kiss you gave me at our engagement party last month? You never kissed me like that, what was all that about? Was that an act to play with my feelings?”
“That kiss was nothing Desiree! Stop imagining more! I only kissed you like that because I was imagining that I was kissing Bryce! I was kissing him not you! So stop this one and for all.” He screamed at me, stopped, and then put his hand through his hair…
I felt sick at that moment. I felt the walls come in on me and the world fall apart around me. “You were thinking of Bryce? You sick bastard...This… this is it. I can’t take this … not from you.”
I grabbed my coat and ran out the house. Bumping into Bryce, who clearly heard the whole fight, and I got in the car and drove. I didn’t have any place in particular that I was driving to; I just got in the car and drove.
That is now I ended up here at an old coffee parlor. I walked in and sat a booth. I took long deep breaths to keep from crying in public. How humiliating that would be…
I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now. I have lost count of how many cups of coffee I had drank. All I know is that if those cups of coffee had alcohol in them, I would be laying on the floor passed out.
I better get back home now…
1:00am
I got home about an hour ago. I was surprised to see Gerard’s car still in the driveway. Bryce must have left. The kitchen was picked up and the food was away in the refrigerator. Gerard was sleeping on the sofa. I walked by him and into my room. The door accidently slammed when I closed it, waking up Gerard. I locked the door and sat on the bed. I could hear him on the other side of the door.
“Rae… it’s late. Are you ok?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk to him.
“Please open the door. We need to talk… I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry for what I said…Listen. My job is sending me on a trip the day after tomorrow. Call me. I really want to talk with you before I leave…”
I could hear him leaning against the door, and then the creaking of the floor as he walked out the door.
You broke my heart Gerard. I don’t know if you understand how bruised I feel…]
END OF DIARY ENTRY # 282
I didn’t call him the day after that and we didn’t talk much during his two week business trip. Bryce took him to the airport and his father picked him up. I am grateful that he had that trip. It allowed me to have some space and deal with my feelings.
After his trip we got together for dinner at his place and discussed what happened… Perhaps I will go into that conversation later.
For now, I am happy. I am excited at the idea of having another book published… I will not tell anyone until it is a for sure thing.
XOXO
Desiree
Some diary entry parts have been edited, removed or slightly changed so that I may keep some privacy. Nevertheless don’t doubt that much of what is written here is 95% in its original form.
LiveJournal Tags: arraignment,best friend,blog,fight,gay best friend,hurt,kiss,love,marriage,narrative story.,trip,update,wedding
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